I recently distinguished a powerful context regarding my perfectionism. I am sharing it with you because what I learned about myself can be of value to others.
I compared my perfectionism to Japanese Kintsugi pottery one year ago in a blog post. A Kintsugi artist repairs broken pottery with lacquer and precious metals like gold, silver, or platinum to create a one-of-a-kind masterpiece, essentially taking what is broken and making it whole. I compared my broken state of striving for perfection and never reaching it to the damaged pottery and the Kintsugi artistry as a higher state of consciousness where I am made whole through compassionate self-forgiveness.
I now see my pursuit of perfection as vanity. Let me explain. In my world, striving for perfection is more about looking good or performing at an elevated level for the world to see, ergo vanity.
When I function in this vanity state of looking good, I am not bringing my best self to my situation. What I bring in these moments is a carefully cultivated me. It is not natural. It’s a strategy.
In my capacity as a trainer and life coach, if I’m in my world of looking good, then I am not in your world of transformation and evolution. Not bringing my A-game is less than what my clients and potential clients deserve.
As a life coach I’ve got this in check and am listening, reflecting, and otherwise serving my client’s highest interests.
This has impacted me the most as a trainer. If I’m on stage, large or small, and run my performance vanity, I rob my audience of their highest evolution. Their learning is hijacked in favor of my pursuit of perfection or vanity.
One of my coaches helped me see this. I was stunned in that moment. My looking good, my perfection, was not serving my client; rather, it was a subconscious strategy to fix a perceived flaw that was not even real.
I thought, “Why would I ever want to be perfect again?” The answer is, “I don’t!” This was liberating. The thought, “I don’t need to be perfect anymore,” was so freeing and lighthearted.
My performance vanity shows up from time to time, and when it does, my self-awareness helps me recognize it, allowing me to recalibrate in the moment and not rob another of what’s possible.
I’d Love to hear your thoughts on this. Does your performance vanity get in your way, perhaps at work or in your most important relationships? Drop a comment below or privately via Messenger.
Lately, I’ve been paying close attention to the words I choose when I communicate with others as well as myself. An inner dialogue, known as self-talk, plays a powerful role in shaping our reality. We create with our words. In fact, it’s impossible not to create—every word, whether spoken or thought, shapes our experience.
So, what do I mean by “creating with words”? Regardless of external events, we interpret and shape experiences uniquely through our thoughts and words. Consider this: a rainy day might feel dismal to one person and refreshing to another. We “create” each experience based on the words and perceptions we bring to it.
While driving on Hall Road the other day, I encountered heavy traffic. A driver behind me honked repeatedly, then swerved into the next lane, passing me aggressively. At that moment, I had a choice in how to respond. I interpreted his actions as a sign of his stress, perhaps due to a difficult day. By deciding not to react negatively, I created a calm response where, in the past, I might have reacted differently. This is just one example of how our words and thoughts create our experience.
Here are some common phrases that shape our perceptions of ourselves and others and, by extension, our sense of possibility. The language we use can either limit or expand our potential. Let's explore how:
- “I think that _______”: This phrase often reflects self-doubt, especially if the thought is critical or hesitant.
- “You should _______” or “I should _______”: Statements like these imply that something is wrong and needs to be changed. Reframe it as “Have you considered _______?” or “What if _______?” to create openness and flexibility.
- “I want _______”: “Want” implies lack or insufficiency. For example, instead of “I want ten new clients,” try “I will generate ten new clients,” which shifts the focus to action and promotes a sense of empowerment.
- “I need _______”: Like “I want,” this implies something is missing.
- “I am _______”: Negative self-labeling, such as “I am bad with money,” limits possibilities and reinforces a negative identity. This kind of self-talk can hinder personal growth and development. Instead, consider focusing on growth, e.g., “I am learning to improve my finances.” This shift in perspective can open up new possibilities and encourage positive change.
- Another creative word that often negatively impacts self and others is the use of is or are. For example, “So and so is _______” or “they are _______,” followed by something negative, leaves no room for possibility.
In my work as a life coach, I often begin by examining how people shape themselves and others through the words they speak (or think). When someone’s life feels out of alignment, and they find themselves complaining or blaming, a powerful place to start is by looking at their language.
If you often find yourself trapped in negative self-talk patterns or feel limited by the language you’re using, consider reaching out. Together, we can explore how your words shape your experiences and work toward creating a more empowering narrative.
In 2005, I did the Landmark Forum, which is to say I participated in a three-day inquiry into what it means to be. One of the key distinctions of the Landmark technology is “Already Always Listening.”
Already Always Listening distinguishes a person's perception of events and people as a function of their listening rather than being sourced—influenced—by the people and events themselves.
Imagine you're a real estate agent, and you've been working in the industry for several years. Over time, you've developed certain perceptions about different types of clients based on past experiences. For instance, you might believe that first-time homebuyers are often indecisive and overly cautious, making the buying process longer and more challenging.
One day, a young couple contacts you about buying their first home. Before meeting them, your "Already Always Listening" kicks in, and you expect them to be hesitant and unsure of what they want. This perception influences how you interact with them from the start. You might unconsciously steer the conversation in a way that assumes their indecisiveness or overwhelm them with too much information, trying to preempt their perceived need for extra guidance.
However, this couple turns out to be well-researched, confident, and clear about their needs and budget. Because of your Already Always Listening—preconceptions—you initially miss out on recognizing and leveraging their readiness and decisiveness, which could have made the process smoother and more efficient for both parties.
By becoming aware of your "Already Always Listening," you can consciously approach each new client without these automatic judgments. This fresh perspective allows you to listen more openly and respond to their needs and behaviors rather than your preconceived notions. Doing so enhances your effectiveness as a real estate agent and improves client satisfaction.
Thrownness
I have another distinction to introduce you to: “Thrownness.” Thrownness refers to the concept that individuals are born into a set of circumstances and conditions they did not choose, such as their family, culture, historical period, and socioeconomic status. These pre-existing conditions shape their experiences, perspectives, and behaviors, influencing how they are in the world. It is where their Already Always Listening begins to develop.
Understanding Thrownness helps individuals recognize the factors beyond their control that have impacted their lives and encourages them to consciously navigate and respond to these influences.
Here’s an example of Thrownness: Imagine two nearly identical situations. A 5-year-old boy and his mom were walking in their backyard when encountering a garden snake. The mother yells, “Snake,” grabs the boy by the arm, and whisks him out of harm’s way and into the house.
In another scenario, a different boy and his mom are exploring their backyard when they encounter a garden snake. The mother, marveling at the snake's beauty, picks it up, shows her son a closer view, and shares some knowledge about snakes. After a few minutes, they put the snake down and continued exploring.
Neither approach to snakes is right nor wrong. However, the boys will grow up with very different views of snakes. These two boys were thrown into their perceptions of life—at least regarding the snake world—and will likely see no other perspective.
By becoming aware of your Already Always Listening and Thrownness, you can let go of the stories you have about people and events. This awareness allows you to be in the realm of what’s so, which is a powerful place to be. From there, you can create new possibilities for your life and see them come to fruition.
I can help you become aware of your Already Always Listening and Thrownness. Let’s talk on my dime and explore the possibilities for your life when you live without preconceived notions. There are many ways to reach me.
